The Soloist

I saw the movie last night and enjoyed it. Not only did it make me appreciate my talent of playing the violin, but it made me think about some of the people passed every day. On the street corners, in the store parking lots, under the bridges, and the ones I help feed during one of my community outreach services.

At the end of "The Soloist" we are told that there are over 90,000 homeless in the City of Los Angeles and I think more than anything, the film gives us an opportunity to stop and take a better look. Who are the homeless? Do we just lump them in a group under that title or do we actually consider the individual? Is there something we can be doing to lessen that number or do we just keep avoiding?

My ex-lust Djimon Hounsou was homeless on the streets of Paris when discovered by Thierry Mugler & oh how glad I am that Mugler took a second look at this particular homeless man. Steve Lopez, a journalist for the Los Angeles Times did the same thing with a homeless man by the name of Nathaniel Anthony Ayers and "The Soloist" tells the story based on the book written by Lopez of the friendship that formed.

I tend to believe that everyone has a bit of insanity in them (whether they acknowledge it or not) and the difference in us all is how well we are able to handle it. Most of us have functional insanity, some get along fine with medication, and others have just crossed that line of no return. One of the social workers points out to Mr. Lopez during the movie that all the people he works with have been diagnosed and medicated to no end yet he doesn't see how it's helped. One lady in the film complains of how the lithium takes away the voices in her head and the voices in her head sometimes soothe her.

A lot of artists are often very close to the edge of being considered insane and many times jump off the cliff. I think Jamie Foxx is a true "artist" and in recent interviews he's spoken of having to seek professional therapy during and after portraying Nathaniel Anthony Ayers (diagnosed schizophrenic) for the film. Ayers is an amazing musician who left Julliard after the voices became too much. I am glad that his story has been told and his music is still making a difference. The voices seem to take a time out occasionally for Ayers, but thankfully the music never does. Good film! http://www.soloistmovie.com/

Life Is Not Always the Party We Expected

Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it lasts.
We should stop making our lives complicated.
Life is short
Break the rules forgive quickly, kiss passionately, love truly, laugh constantly
And never stop smiling no matter how strange life is
Life is not always the party we expected to be but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.

The words above were part of an email from a friend. Extremelly good words to live by though. How happy are you? What makes your hardships worst than the next person's? The only ones born who get out unscathed are the stillborn. So why not enjoy what we have?

It's been said many times before that we have all that we need right now and I believe that to the fullest. When I haven't had money, there's been a friend to feed me. When I didn't have a job, amazingly enough I survived and came out alive.

There's no challenge whatsoever in focuses on the wrongs in our lives but the true challenge lies in seeing the good in spite of.

I can always love, laugh, smile, cry, and be thankful for something & sometimes it might be the smallest of things. Why spend life being miserable?

Passion

pas⋅sion /ˈpæʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pash-uhn]
–noun
1.
any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2.
strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3.
strong sexual desire; lust.
4.
an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5.
a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6.
a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7.
the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8.
an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9.
violent anger.
10.
the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action ).
11.
(often initial capital letter) Theology.
a.
the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b.
the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.
12.
Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.
Origin: 1125–75; ME (<> late OE passiōn), special use of LL passiō suffering, submission, deriv. of L passus, ptp. of patī to suffer, submit; see -ion Related forms:
pas⋅sion⋅ful, adjective
pas⋅sion⋅ful⋅ly, adverb
pas⋅sion⋅ful⋅ness, noun
pas⋅sion⋅like, adjective
Synonyms:1. See feeling. 6. fervor, zeal, ardor. 9. ire, fury, wrath, rage.
Antonyms:1. apathy.

Passion has to be one of my all time favorite words. The word, the definition, the act, just everything about it. One of the first things that I will ask a suitor is "what are you passionate about" or "what are your passions".

Now most seem to only think of sex when I ask that question but even in that context don't appear to truly grasp the actual meaning of passion. I dated one guy for about 6 years who know one would have ever thought to put with me. I'd tell people when they'd ask about my attraction to him that more than anything, I loved how passionate he was about everything. Either he really loved something or really hated it. There was no middle ground and that excited me.

Me? I'm passionate about music, films, books, children, my friends & family. I've had a couple of lovers I was very passionate about and I'm passionate about finding that passion again.

Drugs and Addiction

I was just reading an article about the new wave in "anti-addiction" drugs. It just doesn't even sound right to me. Drugs to stop addiction to drugs. Maybe I'm crazy but I think there's still something wrong with exchanging one addiction for another. To me, it says that the person is still sick. Still not well. Still unwhole.

But hey, we live in a society that loves and expects immediate gratification. We love the easy way out. We want something for nothing.

Unfortunately, those things don't bring much gain to our lives. We don't usually grow from them and there don't seem to be any long term rewards to be gained. In my experience, the hardest challenges I've had to conquer were the ones that gave me the most.

Wrongfully Judged

We all judge others at some time or another no matter how loudly and proudly we say we don't. I can remember seeing a 20 something with his jeans hung low showing his underwear and having a feeling of disgust. At that moment there wasn't a positive thought about this stranger going through my head. Then he stopped and held the door for me. Wow! In this day and time there are plenty men with their pants pulled up who won't open a door for a woman, give up their seat, or let her go before them. Here it was, this "thug" with his pants hanging off his butt being the perfect gentleman.

I should know better too because I truly fit in that category of not being able to judge a book by it's cover. I also love proving others wrong about me as well because I figure that perhaps I'm helping them learn the same lesson that I have to be reminded of as well from time to time. Get to know someone before making quick judgments. Ignorance is not something to be proud of whatsoever.

This thought was brought on by the following video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PPlkOyaqaQ

Sex

I'm putting together a Teen Summit for girls in the 6th-12th grades and our 3 main topics are Sex, Relationships, and Self-Esteem.

I truly believe that if the self-esteem is in place, the relationships with others will come together in a healthy way but sex seems to be a beast all of its own. Self-esteem plays an important role, but I don't think it plays the only role when it comes to physical desire and sensations.

I am not a virgin but I have a lot of respect for them and would love it if I could turn back the hands of time to when I was. I'd make a lot of different choices. I didn't have sex to make friends or find love or because of low self-esteem. I had sex because I enjoyed it and wanted it.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until I was in my 30s before I realized what a special thing it was to share. Without any doubt now I feel as if it's not something that should be shared so freely with just anyone but saved for that special someone. If they are demanding it or using it as a threat, they are not special.

Now I can't honestly say that I'm now saving it for marriage and will be celibate until then. I'm just saying that I'm going to be a lot pickier about who I do choose to share it with. There's such a great risk of disease out there that I'd hate to be left with one and thinking about how it came from someone I didn't respect or care about or truly know to begin with.

Hopefully I can help in keeping teens from following my mistakes.

Aging

How long would you like to live if the choice was yours? I feel as if I'd be ready to go today and still feel as if I've had a great and very blessed life.

I'm only 41 but have a friend who turned 92 today. She still drives and keeps busy. She helps out elders who are actually younger than herself and she's my partner as well. She cooks once a month for the boys at a local drug treatment center and she works by my side in our supper club which serves residents at one of the AIDS houses here in Dallas once a month as well. She does most of the cooking for us for our every other month to feed the homeless and this is just a little bit of what she does to serve her community.

On the fun side, I take her to try out new restaurants and we see movies together. I loan her books and to be honest, it pains me to even think of not having her in my life.

My 92 year old buddy is definitely a testiment that getting older doesn't mean all you have left to do is sit down and age.

Movie - American Violet

• there are more than 2.3 million Americans behind bars
• every 17 seconds someone is arrested for violating a drug law
• approximately 13 million Americans are convicted felons, and 1 in every 31 adults (or 7.3 million Americans) is currently in prison, on parole, or on probation.
• American taxpayers pay over $40 billion dollars a year to fund the "War on Drugs".
• the rate of drug admissions to state prison for black men is 13 times greater than that for white men

"American Violet" is a great film based on a true story and definitely worth seeing. This is the story of a woman in Melody, Texas who was arrested after a drug sweep at the projects where she lived in 2000. She'd witnessed the drug sweeps since she was a child and it was nothing new for many of her neighbors to get arrested. Most were encouraged to take a plea bargain guilty or not and what I didn't realize was that money was to be gained from each plea bargain accepted.

At least one woman was 100% of her innocence and this time the DA picked the wrong black woman to lock up.

Her story is one that should make us all want to stand up for what's right. Not only just for ourselves, our families and those that we know, but for the rights of those that are being abused all over. We never know when that law that we blow off because we think it doesn't apply to us will one day come knocking on our own front door.

Alfre Woodard does a great job as usual and the film also stars Charles Dutton and Xzibit. I had not seen Nicole Beharie before this film, but am very much looking forward to seeing more of her in the future.

Boundaries

Some people just don't have them or seem to know what they are. I have a co-worker who fits this profile all too well. I have been mildly traumatized by some of the information that she has shared with me. Too much information is way too mild to describe what she does.

Misery loves company does explain how a fellow co-worker and myself make coping easier. Neither of us will go without sharing with the other. Once while I was on vacation my poor friend was left alone to suffer. The woman with no boundaries began by showing my friend pictures of her son on her cell phone. Without any warning came pictures of a lover's penis.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure. My mistake? Trying to be nice. I don't intend to be too friendly or inviting but for some reason since I have made a conscious effort to say hello & smile, it opens me up for conversation. I take all blame because I do know that this woman has no boundaries. My bad on that.

The conversation began innocently as always and before I knew it I was hearing how that when she's sitting on the toilet and grunting to take a dump, her son will come to help by pushing her stomach.

Why these things are happening is a big red flag for me to begin with. Why it's so easily shared takes it to a whole nutha/nutta level.

People need boundaries!

What's My Type?

I went to see a movie with a friend over the weekend. During the preview of the new Wolverine movie, I whispered to her that I had always thought the Wolverine was hot and sexy when I watched the cartoons & how happy I was when I saw they had chosen Hugh Jackman to play the role. I then told her that even though I wasn't a Star Wars fan, I had a crush on Chewy as well. I then asked what she thought that said about me.

"You like your men strong and animalistic."

That was her answer. Made me think. Maybe so. Maybe it's the idea of security. A man who I feel can protect me. Maybe it's because I'm a big girl. I think of myself as strong. I'm strong willed, strong in my beliefs, and hey, I've taken a few martial arts class as well. The thought of a man who can hold his own with me is sexy. It's also hot to know that my man can flip me over and throw me down in the bedroom as well.

Maybe I do have a type after all........

Why Are You Still Single?

I watched a show last night called "Tough Love". On the show, a male matchmaker tries to teach a group of single women what they are doing wrong and what needs to change in order for them to meet their match. His lessons are based on the male perspective and sometimes pretty interesting.

One of the issues last night involved a breakdown with a 39 year old woman who seemed confident, nice looking, professionally successful and intelligent. The breakdown happened after her match began drilling her about how it was that she was such a catch and single. Not only single, but had never been married.

I could feel the woman's anger about the man who she had let her guard down with and opened up to the possibility of trying to begin a relationship with all of a sudden not letting up about why she was single. I've heard the question over and over and it gets on my nerves. I'm 41, single, no kids, and never have been married. In all honesty, I've never had a serious true blue boyfriend.

Why? Because even as a teen, I've never felt as if it was something I just had to do in order to say that I had somebody. I've always had great friends and an active life, so I wasn't desperate for people to be with. I paid attention to the unhealthy relationships around me & saw no need to duplicate them. I actually like myself and enjoy my own company, so I don't need someone around just to entertain me. I've never been a "halfway" personality or dealt that well with grey areas either, so I figured that if I was going to make that comittment, I'd go all the way and saw no need to go there with anyone willing.

Most of all, just like the men who ask the question, I believe that I am a GREAT catch and so why should I settle for less than a man who would be of the utmost compliment to myself. I need a man who would be able to inspire even more greatness from me. A true helpmate. I see long term more than I see the moment when I think of relationships so why go there with anyone other than a man I'd want to spend a lifetime beside?

Okay, back to "Tough Love". The matchmaker, his mother, and one of the other girls in the group strongly felt as if this guy just couldn't believe that he was having the opportunity to be with a woman so great. Things seemed so good (and he's been hurt before) that there just had to be something wrong with her. He was messing up a good thing because he just couldn't believe that he had found it.

I could see it and I could understand. Does this mean that I should just be flattered when I hear that question over & over again? I'd like to be but unfortunately, I keep dreaming of that guy who will think that I'm such a great catch that he's going to do whatever it takes not to lose me. A man confident and secure enough to think that I'm the one he's always deserved.

Friends

My friends have always seem to be better thought of as extended family. I've been blessed. I can actually say that I have some friendships that go back over 30 years now. I've never known the drama of a friend stabbing me in the back or just pretending to be my friend to get something. My friends are truly my friends. My family. I may not have made it to 41 without them. They have also been some of the main catalyst for growth in my life.

We come from such different backgrounds and walks of life. In a lot of cases even such different interests on the whole. But we all share a common bond. I think that the common bond is that we are all so unashamedly who we are without pretense. None of us ever has to pretend with each other nor the world. With such differences, we are all so comfortable together. Years can go by without seeing each other, months can go by without speaking, but when the time does come, it's as if we had never been apart.

Last night I got together with my old college roommates. She's the one that I can talk to about anything at all. We can talk politics, religion, sex, and most of all, we can talk honestly to each other about ourselves. We've said things to each other that have probably hurt when said, but the best part is that we've both realized later on the truth in those things and have grown because of them.

My friends/family have definitely been one of the biggest blessings in my life.

Left in the Dark

I often tell people that I've had a very interesting life up to this point & that there are things I've seen and done that I won't even share with my journal. Well, last night goes on the strange things that happen in Mamadoc's world list.

I've talked a bit about what it's like to meet guys online. I had a date with a guy who told me he liked to study his bible. I thought, cool. I was part of a 7 year study and we'd have some interesting conversations. Turned out, he was a Black Hebrew Israelite and within about 15 mins of the date, I was told that I was going to hell for having had dated a white man before.

I went on a dinner date with a guy who I seemed to hit it off with over the telephone. 5 mins into dinner, I was bored to tears. I can talk forever if I'm enjoying someone's company but on this date, I was pretty much dead silent. When my date said it was time to go, I think I may have actually leapt from my chair. So he walks me to my car and I give him a goodbye hug. I noticed that the hug was lasting a long time but no worries. The next thing I know he is kissing me - a big kiss too. By the time that the shock was over, I laughed. I figured that perhaps he thought that since he paid for my dinner, he was getting something out of the evening. I give him props for having the guts to go for it.

Today I told one of my oldest friends about my date last night and her response was that I had done a lot of strange things, but this was even strange for me.

I meet the guy online, we trade emails and finally I set up a date for last night. I go to his house (and yes, I always make sure that at least one person has all the information in case I don't make it back) and arrive about 20 mins late. Once I get there, I get my phone out to call him and realize that he called me almost 10 mins before the original time I said that I'd be there. He left a message asking where I was.

I get there, he takes me to his room and goes to take a shower. Comes out of the shower in his shorts and leaves the room. I have not seen or heard from him since. His wallet was there on the dresser with money & bank receipt sticking out. He didn't have on a shirt nor shoes.

Do you think he was kidnapped? I waited for about 25 or 30 mins because I was reading and enjoying the music. How long was I supposed to wait?

Listening Skills

How well do you listen? Do you only hear or do you truly listen?

This is a thought that comes to mind for me quite often because many will brag about what great listeners they are but as I'm listening to them, my truth seems to differ. I once heard Dr. Maya Angelou say that "People show you who they are. It's your job to believe them, the first time." This is one of the few quotes comitted to memory for me and I think it's one that could save a lot of drama, grief, and headache for us. On the other end of the spectrum, it might bring us blessings and joy that we could possibly miss out on in our unawareness.

A few friends used to get on me all the time for being "too picky" when it came to men. My argument was that within 10 mins (if that) a person has usually said something that gives me a clue as to who they are. Or better yet, said something that has thrown up a red flag that says there is no need to go down that path any further.

Listening incorporates more than words. Feelings and actions are also part of it in my opinion. I'm a natural spectator and I think God blessed me with the gifts of listening & hearing. I pray to never lose these gifts or have them fail me.

Have I been fooled before? Yes. Will it happen again? Possibly. Like everyone else, I'm not beyond making mistakes. I do try to not make the same one more than once though.